The Story of Muhammad by Sir John Mandeville

Have you always wanted to know the true story of Muhammad? Do you want to learn the cold hard facts about the creation of Islam? Look no further for I, Sir John Mandeville, have written it in my book recounting all the things I have seen and learned as I travelled around the world as a chivalrous knight. You should believe all the things in my book because I am a knight, and I have actually seen all the events and people- yes the monstrous ones too!

            So there’s these people called Saracens, who don’t really believe in civilized religion like Christianity. They all follow the religion of the Koran-whatever that is- created by Muhammad who is rumored to have talked to the angel Gabriel; Gabriel was the same one who came down to tell Mary of her pregnancy with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. (Their “religion” is on the right track to being a real religion, but it still has some work. Who can blame them though? I mean they’re getting all their ideas from us, and we get drunk and rape and murder and steal a lot so they probably think we’re evil, but we have Jesus so who really wins?)

            Muhammad was born in Arabia and travelled around with merchants through Christian lands (coincidence????). One day while travelling, he saw a chapel on the top of this road in Egypt, and he went inside to take a look around. Muhammad walked up to the incredibly tall gate of the chapel and made the low doorway to the gate grow to the height of the gate, which is later known as his first miracle. Muhammad became very wise and learned all things of astronomy and had a lot of money. Because of his talents and wealth, the prince of Corodan decided to allow Muhammad to rule and govern the prince’s own land. Muhammad was a pretty good governor, and because of this he was allowed to marry Princess Cadrige after the prince died.

            It is a known fact that Muhammad had epilepsy and often times had fits due to it, but rather than admitting that his illness was the cause for this sight, Muhammad audaciously claimed that it was Gabriel who caused it and he fell to the ground because of the dazzling brightness of the angel. (What a classy move by him, using the Lord’s messengers to make himself not seem weak. Who would do that?) His ridiculous claims seemed to compel a good amount of people to follow his words, and he created his new religion. (The only reason that he’s not a Christian is because he descends from Ishmael, so he’s definitely still bitter about Abraham’s choice of succession from like a million years ago).

            That’s pretty much the story of the creation of Islam, but I’ll tell you one more quick little story. So you know how Muslims don’t drink wine? They don’t drink not because they don’t like to have fun (believe me they do I, Sir John Mandeville, travelled there as a knight. I know what I’m talking about. Believe me.) The reason that they don’t drink wine is because one night Muhammad got too drunk and passed out. The men accompanying him decided to murder the hermit Muhammad befriended as a young boy (we can just assume that all Saracens are evil and will murder you in your sleep unless you’re extraordinary like Muhammad.) When Muhammad woke up the men told him that Muhammad murdered the hermit in a drunken rage. Muhammad, the simple gullible man that he is, believed him because he saw the blood on his own sword, and that’s enough proof to show that he did it. After that, Muhammad decreed that no more wine shall be had by anyone that follows his teachings.

            And that pretty much sums up all you need to know about Muhammad, the Koran, and the Saracens. Nothing interesting goes on down there in Arabia when compared to the sophisticated culture we have here in England. Although, the Saracens do have some pretty cool letters. Look in the book that I wrote myself to see their letters. Trust me on all of this because I travelled there and learned for myself.

Action shot of me, Sir John Mandeville, on my travels around the world. Buy my book. It's really good and informative. Written by me, Sir John Mandeville